My friend had started the waterworks again. She swore she wouldn’t stop unless I got him back. I felt like a parent trying unsuccessfully to pacify my child who was weeping inconsolably for a toy which I couldn’t get for her. Don’t get me wrong. I am not for objectifying men. It’s just that nothing better came to mind when I tried to console my friend who had just had a break up.
“Why don’t you flush his picture down the toilet the way Geet did in JWM? Or call him up and hurl a barrage of expletives at him?”
She looked at me, her eyes black with the kohl that had now spread spookily around her eyes because of crying. “That’s so cliché! You keep your solutions to yourself!”
And I retired with my head in my hands, wondering if I could just make an excuse and run away, leaving her to her own miseries. I admit I was not being a great friend at that time. But then I made up for it soon.
“Take this and write what I say.” I handed her a piece of paper and a pen. So tortured was she at that point that she could have signed me a million dollar cheque if I had asked her, although of course she doesn’t have that kind of money. Her ex-boyfriend did though. Poor Sameera!
I started dictating…
The erstwhile love of my life
As the tears splashed all over my dress, I realized how much I miss you. I miss those special things about you, which made me decide to list them.
1. That pathetic daily excuse of yours for not picking my call, so blasé, so dumb-what was it?
“Baby I didn’t see it!”
Are you blind that you can’t see it? You don’t have to see it, the phone rings, daft! You just have to listen to it! Your hearing senses are not in order. Get them checked.
2. From the past few days, when I held your hands, you refused to acknowledge it and shoved me away. No wonder your tactile senses have weakened.
3. That girl I saw you with yesterday? Who was it? Shalini? Is she the one who you left me for? It took me some time to register whether it was a guy or a girl. You left me for her?? No wonder your sight has started failing as well.
4. The other day, I brought you shahi paneer, that I had cooked especially for you. What was your reaction? “Eww! It sucks!” No wonder, your taste buds have left you for good. Considering your taste for girls, well…
5. When we had first met, you had said you loved my perfume. Last week, you told me to change the brand of the deo I used. No wonder your sense of smell has failed too.
Seems as if your sense organs are failing.
Please note, your mind has taken a sound beating. Your senses have failed and you have started forgetting things. No wonder you broke up with me, you arrogant old git !
Nevertheless, I wanted to thank you. For being such a….well, you will find out soon enough. Here are some of your most notable qualities:
Arrogance- You were so unabashedly and maddeningly arrogant. What do you think of yourself? You are a doddering rotter.
Shitty- You are so full of shit that shit begs to get ejected from you.
Sly- You are so sly that even the slyest vixen say to each other ‘try and learn from him’
Hellish– I think hell derived its name from you and had to change it because you were so hellishly terrifying.
Obviously awful– You should be banned. You are so unlawfully awful.
Those like you, who lust,
Are reduced to nothing but dust!
I guess you are already dust though.
Ex– That is the quality I like the most about you. You are my Ex.
Guess what that makes you? If you have ever attended primary school, you would know how to join the letters together,
“And with this missive, I succeeded to bring a smile to my buddy’s face and regained my tag of best friend. The newest trick of getting over your ex, send them a sugar-coated thank you note, saying “Thank you for being my Ex”. What say? 😉